Episode 8: Intergenerational Trauma Over The Holidays

Welcome to My Mother's Trauma, a podcast exploring feelings about families, what to do with what's passed down to us, and how to break the cycle for more justice and liberation. I am your host, Kim Lolia. Let's take a moment to breathe.

Hi folks, here we are back after our Justice in Therapy conference that took place last month. And I wanted to start with some gratitude to those who attended and those who were involved in making the day the success that it was.

so many of you were so generous with offering your wisdom and guidance and I have so many takeaways from the day and not just in my mind but also in my heart. Sharing in-person space is really really special and it was such a delight to meet so many people who

have similar values and to be united in our passion for justice work within the therapeutic profession. There was so much learning that it's hard to distill one thing. But if I had to choose, that one thing would be a question around how do we even know that we're ready to begin to do justice work?

Sometimes we think that justice is something that we need to commit to for a lifetime and that we need to commit to it now and that we need to keep going. But actually sometimes we don't have the energy and we don't feel safe enough to make a start. And if we do,

How can we contain the turbulence of justice work given the amount of trauma that it can bring up within our personal and collective nervous system? And sometimes despite our best intentions, it might not be possible to engage in the work that we want to do.

and we might need to tend to our trauma first. And that's okay, that's an act of justice and of care in and of itself.

It also takes capacity and energy to tolerate being messy in the process of doing justice work. Those moments when we go wrong, say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and we need to self-correct or be corrected by someone else.

Those moments can be really stressful and really hard.

And it can also be hard to find enough capacity to navigate the waves of despair that come when it feels like we're trying but we're going backwards. And sometimes it even feels like progress has been completely lost.

So when we actually manage to turn up against all of these odds and engage in justice work in whatever way we can, it feels like it's nothing short of miraculous. Like we're somehow breaking through the impossible.

and these skills that make the impossible possible. These ways to cope with our mistakes and with the mistakes of others. I've been thinking about them as our intergenerational toolbox. The gifts that we've somehow accumulated in our bodies and in our minds

from past generations.

In a way it's like an inheritance that we have, that we can keep using every day.

Our ancestors knew how to share resources, move towards a common goal and deal with making mistakes.

They knew how to practice justice. And on some level, we know it too.

So in a way, the conference that we co-created was an opportunity to make use of these ancestral skills in order to exist in the same space and time with each other, connect, and also hold care towards one another.

So thanks again. And for those who couldn't make it, we're going to be replicating the conference as a virtual offering in March.

and early bird tickets are currently available via the link in the show notes.

I'm still absorbing so much of what was shared, but I'm so excited that we're doing this again. I'm so looking forward to sharing space with trainees and practitioners across huge distances and mobilizing together, and also exploring how we can do justice work in different parts of the country and beyond.

We're so fortunate to have the technology to do that.

So moving on to our final episode of the year.

I wanted to talk about a tender topic that is also seasonal and a topic that maybe is hard to hold in a season that has these expectations of being so joyous and celebratory. And this topic also carries some tenderness for me as well.

but it felt like a collective offering to be in community around some of these themes. And I trust and believe that community is such a bomb when it comes to unpacking intergenerational trauma. In so many ways, this season is a bit of a crucible for familial trauma.

And there's so much we could talk about within that very big definition. But I've picked out a few things that I'm finding particularly striking at the moment.

Knowing that there are some things that of course I won't be able to cover, it's a big topic and I'm hoping that I can return to those things another time. When thinking about families during this period in particular, one thing that I find striking is the gendered dynamics around labor

that creep up in this particular season and they can be really subtle as well. They don't need to be obvious. But if you think about past holiday seasons within a family system or a structure, who did the emotional caretaking in moments of difficulty or conflict?

Who was in charge of buying thoughtful gifts? Who went out of their way to arrange the places at the table to minimize awkward conversations or dynamics? Who's doing the tolerating within the system? And who's offering a shoulder to cry on if people get upset?

All of these examples of labour often come from FEMS, particularly black and brown FEMS and indigenous FEMS within families who also take on more of the cooking, cleaning, gifting responsibilities alongside doing emotional labour.

Femme labor, especially for disabled or chronically ill fems, has a serious impact on physical and mental health.

and most of the time there's huge inequality and disparities.

But in this season, it feels like these disparities are amplified.

And often disproportionate femme labor isn't just something that we do as individuals. It's also a multi-generational pattern that we might have seen in our grandmas, our mothers, our cousins and other femmes within the system.

And different FEMS do this differently, of course, but there are some general commonalities within the offering of labour.

Excessive labour can be connected with difficulties around boundaries and femmes in particular doing way too much and then becoming resentful towards others.

I've seen this trope dramatised quite a bit on TV, perhaps because it's true. And if you've been doing emotional labour the whole year and then the turkey burns in the oven and you've been up since 6am, having a meltdown makes absolute sense.

Another systemic wound that can show up intergenerationally is racial capitalism and how it shapes our attitudes towards spending in this season.

Racial capitalism is a collection of mechanisms that involve exploitation but also the accumulation of capital or the pressure to do so. And these two processes are mutually supportive and reinforcing of each other.

So as racialized folks, our labor is exploited in so many different ways by dominant systems. And at the same time we're also pushed into accumulating capital as much as we can. We're told that we need to buy a house, which in turn means that we're under more pressure,

and we're exploited even more because then we need to make our mortgage and we're in this cycle that perpetuates itself.

In a way it's basically economic slavery that's predicated on this idea that the more we spend the more we need to earn to sustain our spending and then the system thrives.

I've linked to a page on racial capitalism in case you would like to find out more.

and there are many books and papers and YouTube videos that explore the topic. Racial capitalism might sound like it's this really abstract and academic term, but it has really tangible consequences and applications. If we're overspending in this season,

As folks with minoritized identities, we're also upholding the systems of racial capitalism and reinforcing competition and exploitation of the land that we inhabit. And also, if we want to overspend, that's a choice.

But knowing there's a racialized component might lead to an internal dialogue or even one within our family and our wider community about what this means for us.

And sometimes these conversations, they can lead to powerful action, like choosing when we want to disinvest from systems of oppression.

In some families there's also a culture of overspending, particularly in this season, that can put folks under a lot of pressure and that can be really stressful.

Buying gifts can be seen as a way of showing love and affection.

at least within a colonial framework.

And that is only bolstered and galvanized by ads everywhere that tell us that we need to do something special for the people we love and that the special thing is spending money. For weeks before the holidays, we're fed messages that commodification is what will make our holidays special.

So in that context, not spending or spending less or spending differently is a radical thing.

but it can also be very stigmatizing.

leading to conflict and guilt tripping within families.

There's no set standard for how much we should or shouldn't spend.

But as oppression thrives in the darkness, even naming these dynamics right now can lead to more empowered choices.

turning our gaze towards what might be considered more traditional intergenerational trauma in inverted commas.

It's the reality that for some people the holidays can go from being really unpleasant to downright dangerous, whether physically, psychologically or emotionally, due to the harm inflicted by family members. And this harm also includes neglect as well.

and family trauma has more victims and survivors who suffer in silence than we could possibly ever imagine. And in this net of harm, of course, there's also homophobia and transphobia that can make it really terrifying to spend time with family.

There's also the constant pain of being misgendered, deadnamed, or your partner being referred to as your friend again in inverted commas. And those are just a few of many reasons why folks feel unsafe in this season. And this season becomes more about endurance rather than joy.

Recently I've seen some posts on social media that encourage marginalized people to avoid this kind of harm by only spending the holidays with their chosen family. And this is of course a valid and necessary option. But under racial capitalism it's not necessarily possible for everyone.

Some people are forced to live at home or rely on their family for care or their carers themselves or they can't get home on the day because they don't drive. So this idea of choosing the kind of holiday season that you want to have and enjoying it just isn't realistic.

for many people. And for those who are with their family this year, adopting an attitude of harm reduction could be the best that anyone can do. And that might look different in different situations. It's usually around this time when I get asked how we can break the holiday cycle.

so that things can be different this year. And I don't love to disappoint folks, but sometimes a fairy tale holiday season just isn't possible. Even if we've been engaging in therapy and working on our own patterns for a while.

And having the goal of breaking the cycle and having a good season with family puts on a lot of pressure and that can make things extra tense. And even when the whole family set up looks the same as it always has

Maybe because there are so many co-created dynamics that there's a lot of momentum. Sometimes there's hope in realizing that we might be different internally this year or that we could be different internally in future years. And that might mean that we can relate to ourselves differently.

and maybe also to our family at times as well, no matter what is happening around us.

In terms of what this difference can look like.

It doesn't need to be the biggest change. We don't need to turn up to our family gathering and be completely saintly and have everything together and be completely unflappable. Sometimes these small internal changes can happen at the level of the body. It might be that we can soften our body

just a tiny amount or we can spend a short amount of time doing something that's nurturing.

And sometimes it can also include leaving a particular room or a situation, going for a walk, going home early. All of these changes matter and they're all real.

and any change within a family system, even if it's subtle and internal, has the potential to add nourishment and transformation and liberation to the rest of the family system.

whether folks can recognize it or not. Sometimes modeling self-care or saying no in the smallest of ways can be revolutionary for other people within the family, but also if things don't go to plan

and it feels like this year is an exact replica of last year and the year before.

There's still something remedial in being able to grieve or rage about the impact of intergenerational trauma.

What can be helpful alongside grieving is resting after spending time with family to intentionally decompress and physically take up more space within ourselves and within our environment.

Going back to those everyday rituals that remind us of who we are.

and even to intentionally bring back the things that we might not necessarily even share with our families. Could be our hobbies, our interests, could be friends, people who matter to us. Family environments can be so overpowering and draining.

and I don't just mean emotionally but also physically.

And this is also true within really happy cohesive families. Even in those systems, unstructured time and lack of routine can be tiring. Especially if you're introverted, socially anxious, neurodivergent, or you just don't like big groups.

which is also absolutely fine.

When I talk to Black and Brown friends and colleagues during this season, I'm reminded of the impact of migration and displacement on how we experience the holidays.

Many of us long to go home but don't necessarily have a home to go back to.

We don't identify as belonging to the country that we live in, but we also don't really identify with the country that we've left because we've been away for so long.

This is quite a typical diasporic and migrant experience during any season.

but I guess it goes through an amplification right now because normal life goes on hold and there are a lot less distractions.

It highlights just how hard it can be to be physically separated from your family and loved ones. It's worth bearing in mind that many folks within global majority communities are going to spend the holidays worried about the safety of their loved ones.

possibly with communication channels going down in war-torn countries and feeling an anxiety that is heightened by the grey, the cold and the dark weather.

Oppression and genocides don't stop because it's Christmas and it's frankly really strange to be worried about stockpiling food when hospitals are being blown up and families need to get by with a tiny amount of nourishment.

Even if our family is safe and well, being distant can bring up a particular feeling of longing.

And there's a privilege for folks who have a group of people around them because the other side of that privilege is loneliness.

And there are also people who have lost family around this time.

which is another kind of grief and longing and loneliness. One fairly destabilizing component of the holidays that I haven't mentioned yet is the lack of mental health support. The breaks in therapy and the reduction in mental health services also coincides with routines being disrupted

and lack of transport. And while therapy isn't a magic wand that can resolve family trauma, it can be a space to unpack the stress of the season with a familiar face. And when that person isn't around, that can be really stressful. And yes, there are emergency services,

and doctors on call, but that doesn't always feel safe for Black people given the history of being institutionalized within psychiatry. And integrated community mental health services tend to be underfunded, so there's a gap in what's on offer and racially

minoritised communities suffer the most from this gap as usual. If you're having one-to-one therapy, this season might be a time to explore the alternative support options that you have, which don't necessarily need to be people, they can also be nature,

creative practices or catching up on a project at home.

And I can't speak for all therapists. I wouldn't even want to. But I, as a practitioner, really welcome conversations around abandonment, particularly in this season. Because the adult parts of ourselves tend to understand that our therapist might need to be off, but the inner kids

might feel resentful, upset, lost and disorientated at the prospect of not having therapy.

It's okay to bring that to a session, especially if you feel that it wasn't okay to name it at home when you were growing up. Being able to talk about it now and share your feelings and needs could be an opportunity to break the cycle, one of many.

And speaking of endings, this is probably going to be the last episode of the year, unless something really pressing comes up and I feel propelled to grab the mic and start recording, which could happen, we never know, but it's unlikely. And I wanted to end the way I started with

offering gratitude and honoring because there's never enough of that in the world. Starting with this podcast, so much care goes into bringing these episodes into the world. It's many hours of labor with editing and production.

and I wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to my producer, who I won't name because they prefer to be anonymous. But they've been working on this podcast since the first couple of episodes and they tend to it in the most loving way. So thank you.

Thank you to those who have tuned in this year. I hope our conversations have been fruitful and helpful.

and I'm excited about where we can journey next year. I have some ideas and an abundance of topics that come under the intergenerational trauma umbrella. In a way, it's quite surprising how rich this topic is.

And thank you to my work family, aka the Black Psychotherapy team, who have done the most this year. I'm so proud of what we bring the world and that we are able to hold such a wide cross-section of identities and lived experiences within our

shared goal of Black and Brown and Indigenous liberation and another thank you to our network of practitioner friends, the allies and co-conspirators who have been really fierce with us this year as well as generous and loving because of all of us co-existing together.

We're able to break cycles and get free so that we can be immersed in more and more justice each day. Stay safe during this season and I look forward to connecting in the new year.

If you'd like to learn more about intergenerational trauma, as well as decolonial and anti-oppressive ways to heal, check out blackpsychotherapy.org. We offer classes, programs and talking therapy for individuals, couples and groups. If you'd like journal prompts, decolonial musings and special discounts,

You can sign up to our newsletter via the link in the show notes, where you can also find a link to submit a question for me to answer in a future episode. I super look forward to connecting with you again and take care.